Friendly Conversations: Cuatro

I’m dedicating this to my parents, because the below is solid proof that I was raised without any form of a filter. Now please enjoy another snapshot of your average, everyday friendly conversations.

On conditional love
Mama B: Babe I’ll support you no matter what you do.
Me: I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that, I was so nervous to tell you about…
Mama B: EXCEPT IF YOU GET MORE TATTOOS.

On crowning achievements
Friend: So…. until recently,  you were a white girl that did not like rose?
Me: Yep.
Friend: Lifetime should do a biopic about you.

On accessorizing
Me: I’m so glad we got the belt for my maid-of-honor dress, it needed a little sparkle.
Mama B: I think my dress needs something too, but not a belt. Maybe like a pin or something?
Papa B: You should wear the Star Wars federation badge.
Mama B: OMG! Perfect. Will you buy it for me??

On conditional love (Pt. 2)
Mama B: But seriously no more tattoos.
Me: There’s more coming, it’s fine, you’ll get used to it.
Mama B: Please don’t get another visible one.
Me: What’s the point of spending all that money if no one can see them?
Mama B: FLOWERS BELONG IN A VASE NOT ON YOUR RIBS.

On wedding events
Twinster: I want all my shower presents pre-opened so we can get through that shit quickly. Like, paper ripped, ribbons cut..
Mama B: Don’t break the ribbons!!! There’s an old Irish saying that you’ll have a child for every one that breaks.
Me: If the ribbon breaks?
Twinster: Mmmm sorry Mom, I think you’re referring to condoms.

On weekends at home
Family friend: Alright girl, your mom and I are on a mission to set you up. Really quick name three physical qualities you like in a guy GO!
Me: Uhhhh beard, tattoos and a man bun.
Mama B: Like his butt?!
Me: Omg Mom like the hairstyle.
Mama B: You have weird taste in men maybe that’s why you’re single.

On conditional love (Pt. 3)
Mama B: What are they going to look like when you’re older?!?!?
Me: MAHM. We’re done talking about my tattoos, present and future.
Mama B: You weren’t serious about getting more though, right?
Me: This conversation is over.
Mama B: I HATE THEM SO MUCH.

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Friendly Conversations: Tres

On the future
M: I can’t even imagine where we’ll be in 5 years, let alone 10. I mean, when I was 17 there’s no WAY I thought I’d be a nanny in New York City and living with a long-term boyfriend at 27. Not in a million years! What about you?
Me: Hmm. Did I picture myself 26, single, and living alone with a cat… Yup that’s pretty much the dream.

On technicalities
Friend: So I read that blog post about change where you say you’re not dating… dare I mention the trend of you at birthday parties this year?
Me: That is TOTALLY different. I’ve sworn off actual dates, not making out with strangers in public. Totally different.

On healthy living
Aunt: So I hear you’re on some kind of special diet. What’s that about?
Me: Yeah, it’s called Whole30. I’m not trying to lose weight of course, just make myself healthier!
Aunt: OK good, you don’t need to be any skinnier!
Me: (exits the room)
Aunt (loudly, to cousin): Why is she trying to lose weight!??

On breaking news
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On high school reunions
Papa B: So that guy I introduced you to was my old football buddy from high school!
Me: Wow! Why haven’t I heard of him until now?
Papa B: Ya know, he was in jail for a while.
Me: Wait what?!
Papa B: yeah selling cocaine of something.
Me: WHAT.
Papa B: Eh it was the 80s, who didn’t.

On college reunions
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Friendly Conversations: Dos

Shorter round-up today – I kept forgetting to write all the fun things down! Here’s a fun snapshot of life in the past two months:

On Atlantic City pick-up lines
Man: Guess what ethnicity I am
M: No thank you.

On weekend theme songs
Me: I’m going to make a cheese plate and open some wine. Any preference?
Mama B: Whatever you want! (sings) because you know I’m all about that cheese, that cheese, AND PINOT!

On Ladies Who Brunch.
Mama: I want a real breakfast. Like, French toast with a side of pancakes.
Me: That sounds AMAZING.
Mama: I know right? I bet it’s definitely trending on Instagram.
Me: ????
Mama: You didn’t even know I knew that, did you.

On Post-Ballet Activities
Twinster: I am SO EXHAUSTED.
Mama B: UGH me too.
Me: Oh… so I’m gonna go to the hotel bar alone then.
Twinster: Oh, I mean I’m not that tired.
Mama: I’m never too tired for the bar!

On 70-hour work weeks
Me: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DAY. Ugh, sorry guys, I’m just exhausted and cranky.
Coworker: I know, it’s a long week. If it helps, I left a chocolate chip cookie on your desk.
Me: …. Please marry me.

On Actual Friendly Conversations
Me: I’m heading up to Washington Heights, thanks.
Cab driver: No problem! Have you ever taken an Uber?
Me: Um. Yes?
Cab Driver: Well would you like me to tell you why Uber is evil?
Me: Honestly man, I don’t mean to be rude, but I just talked for 16 hours straight and I need this to be a quiet cab ride.
Cab Drive: Totally understand. So this one time, when I used to drive for Uber…
Me: (falls asleep)

Friendly Conversations: Uno

Like the new title? I figured new year means new language count for the Conversations! Here we go again:

On states of emergency
M: Can we change the channel? I don’t want to watch weather anymore
N: Well at this point, Snowpacolypse and Deflategate are our only options.
Me: That says a lot about society, doesn’t it.

On primping
Friend: You look so cute! Are you wearing makeup?
Me: Nah, just a little mineral powder and mascara. Oh, and I filled in my eyebrows. Oh and this new lip stain from Birchbox.
Friend: So… yes.

On coping

FC1.3

On text-tiquette
Me: Yeah, apparently he found our drunk texts annoying so basically I’m over it.
Mama B: Oh lord. If your father was that uptight about my drunk antics we would have divorced a long time ago.
Me: MOM.
Mama B: Remember when I invited the whole cruise table to your sister’s wedding? Still trying to get out of that one.

On coping (pt. 2)
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On dating
Me: It’s like the Sopranos. He’s like my Feech La Manna.
Friend: … What?
Me: You know, “Didn’t I learn anything from Richie Aprile?”
Friend: … What?
Me: Like, I’m Tony, and The Child was Richie. You know, “nip it in the bud” and all.
Friend: … Girl if you are comparing your dating life to a mafia drama, we need to seriously reevaluate your priorities.

Friendly Conversations: Cinq

On Fridays
Coworker: So what are you up to tonight?
Me: Drinking alone in sweatpants.
Coworker: Weren’t you supposed to have a date?
Me: Eh, my sweatpants need me and the wine won’t drink itself.

On NYC Halloween
N: Guys, I have an idea. Let’s get off at 14th, get on the L train and play “Hipster or Halloween”

On post-Black Friday needs
Me: I’m freezing. I’m making hot apple cider when we get home.
Mama B: With honey bourbon?
Me: I hadn’t even thought of that!
Mama B: I raised you better than to forget the bourbon.

On Ikea Adventures (Pt. 1)
N: GUYS. There is no cell service in Ikea. That means every man in here right now is going nuts.

On paying attention
M’s sister: Isn’t that the new Moses movie? What’s that called?
Me: Exodus.
M’s sister: What’s that about again?
Me: Moses.
M: …. are you listening to each other?

On pain
Other tattoo artist: (Looks at tattoo 3 hours in). Looks good! Wait. Is this all from today?
Me: (grimace) Yup.
OTA: DAMN, seriously?
Me: I’M AWARE THANKS.

On Ikea Adventures (Pt. II):
N: Do you think we should pretend to work here?

On Taylor Swift and standard parental requests:
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On Ikea Adventures (Pt. III)
M: How have we still not found the car. This is absurd.
N: I bet it’s all part of their marketing strategy. First they make you pay attention in the store, then they never let you leave.

Friendly Conversations: Quatre

On twins 
Me: So it looks like T will be in town this weekend, you might finally get to meet her!
H the Scot: Sounds great, can finally complete the set!

On generosity
Mama B: I’ll leave you cash for the movie and shopping while we’re gone tomorrow.
Me: You don’t have to do that!!
Mama B: I want to!! Plus I have a shitload of cash. Don’t ask where it came from.

On creeping
Friend: It’s cute! He’s just checking up on you.
Me: I’d prefer he’d just ask me how I’m doing himself! Next time it happens I’m putting up an entry that says “I see you” and nothing else.

On comebacks (in reference to AHS: Freak Show)

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On road trips
M: Okay, we’re barely an hour in and we have four more to go. I’m pacing myself on this Chipotle.
Me: Oooh. Yeah. Good point. Except I just inhaled most of mine.
C: … Me too.

On semantics
M: We’re in your state, what’s a good radio station?
Me: Oh! There’s this alternative rock station that’s pretty good
C: “Connecticut alternative rock” feels like an oxymoron

On post-vaca first dates
Neighbors: Yo Snow White, where you been all night? It’s late for you and you ain’t in sweats.
Me: Guys, I wear more than just gym clothes.
Neighbs: Not lately.

On breaking news

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Friendly Conversations: Trois

On rules of a first date:
[Watching Don’t Be Tardy at my lovely friend M’s place]
TV: “There’s a list of the Don’t Dos on a first date: we don’t say fuck, we don’t bite people and we don’t do shots!”
Me: I sincerely hope you don’t have to say that to me someday.
M: Me too.

On loopholes
Mama B: So is that the fourth tattoo I see?
Me: Yup!
Mama: UGH. But that’s the last one, right? YOU PROMISED YOU’D ONLY GET ONE MORE.
Me: Right, but I already had this one when I made that promise.

On booze rules
Mama B: You’re absolutely covering the tattoos for your sister’s wedding.
Me: That’s incorrect.
Mama B: YOU PROMISED ME.
Me: I never made any promise like that!
Mama B: You may have been drunk when you said it, but I remember, so it counts.

On compliments
Coworker: Ooo, which one of you smells good?
Me: Oh, definitely not me.

On life updates
E: So give me an update on your life!
Me: Which part?
E: Uhh let’s start with how the boy is!
Me: …. which boy?

On birthday rights
Friend: You’re not wearing a bra, are you
Me: It’s my birthday.
Friend: Touché.

On snacks
Coworker: Is that a raw sweet potato on your desk?
Me: Yes.
Coworker: … Is that like a decoration or something?

On personal style:
M: Ugh. I feel like I look like a dirty hippie right now.
Me: Well since that’s kind of my aesthetic, I think you look great.

On sick days (and how I should have been a teacher)

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Friendly Conversations: Deux

There is nothing quite like a day off from work, especially leading into yet another 6-week stretch of insanity. I’ll be taking the next few days to hang out in Connecticut by the pool and get ahead here so I don’t go MIA once I’m working all the time. In the meantime, here’s another edition of my life, via Friendly Conversations.

(In case you missed it: Part Un)

On workplace decorum
Me: I just don’t understand why there’s no chocolate around me
(2 minutes later)
Coworker: [walks to desk and dumps a massive bag of candy]
Me: … is it more inappropriate to start crying or kiss you?

On Sunday morning selfies
Friend: You’re naked in that snapchat, aren’t you.
Me: I’m too hungover for clothes.

On my date-ability (cameo by C)

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On life with little miss
Coworker: Good lord, what did you do to your arm?!
Me: Decided to adopt a cat three years ago.

On viral social media trends

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Friendly Conversations: Un

I feel like the tone of the blog has been on the darker side lately, but actually things around me have been going really well – just a little dull for published material. I’m saving the next PLD montage for a specific point later this month, so I thought I’d introduce a new semi-series across the Chronicle, something to bring the nonsense in between the heavy thoughts and wedding-related injuries. Much as I love capturing big moments across my life’s adventures, sometimes it’s the little conversation snapshots and texts that make a good day great.

grool

Presenting: Friendly Conversations.

On checking my schedule in advance
Friend: “What are you doing the weekend after your birthday?”
Me: “Best friend’s wedding in CT! Why?”
Friend: “Oh that’s right, I figured that from your blog.”

On a brainstorm meeting
Me: “Are there going to be snacks?”
Coworker: “I don’t know, do we have budget for snacks?”
Me: “WE WILL MAKE BUDGET FOR SNACKS.”

On fiscal responsibility
Me: “YES. They increased the limit on one of my credit cards!”
Friend: ‘Nice! Now you can budget for that…”
Me: “Hang on, I’m about to buy like eight rompers online.”

On friendly pets
Me: “I just found these things for cats that cover their nails so they can’t draw blood!! I should get them for little miss!”
T: “You realize you’d have to get those on her, right?”
Mama B: “Do they have covers for her teeth?”

On personal hygiene at 3 p.m.
Coworker: LB, did you have salsa for lunch? I think there’s some in your hair.
Me: What? No, I haven’t had salsa since breakf.. I mean lunch. Yup. Lunch.