Subway Notes (1)

Sometimes I write Notes in my iPhone to myself when I have a thought I have to write down immediately but I’m not around my journal or can’t get service to start a Draft Series – aka, when I’m on the subway. I found this one recently, and with all thats going on in my life, it felt appropriate to share. 

August 21, 2015

Austin, Austin, Austin.

I’ve made the decision to leave New York.

I know. I’ll stick around for the weddings through the summer, probably, but the goal is by this time next year I’ll be there.

I’m just not the same person that moved to New York in 2010. The goals I moved here with, the ambitions, I don’t have the same ones. I think there were a lot of ways this could have gone differently, NYC and me, but I also think it’s best to walk away from a relationship you’ve grown past, because you can’t move forward if you’re holding on to what used to be.

NYC, baby. I can’t imagine a different life, really. The big city, the people I’ve met, the adventures I’ve lived. What an incredible place to spend the majority of my 20s. The idea of starting over somewhere completely new at near 30 is fucking terrifying, absolutely terrifying, but in that fear there’s the thrill of a new beginning.

Mama B put it best when I mentioned I was scared to start over. We were at Meatball Shop for dinner on a hot Wednesday, and I’d been so nervous to tell her my decision. She is completely supportive to no ones surprise, and when I told her I was scared, she said it’s not starting over somewhere new. “You’ll be taking a wealth of experience, from heartbreak to work life, to surviving in a city on your own, everything you’ve learned in the past 6 years. It’s not a blank slate, really, but a fresh start as the person you are today.”

We never moved growing up. I spent 21 years going back to the same house, the same room, the same everything. It’s beautiful, the still calm of the familiar, but for much of my life, the lack of disruption was something that got me in trouble, caused me to resist change with such a fierceness, aggravating that dragon inside me, feeding into anxiety and an eating disorder as coping methods to handle the change around me.

Lately it’s like I’ve been embracing changes, because the little changes in my life are starting to feel like I’m creating the life I’ve always wanted. And the biggest part of that life is yoga. It’s what makes me happy, and makes me frustrated, and challenges me. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever had, even with all the ups and downs, and it’s starting to feel silly that I’m not spending as much time with it as possible. Why not chase the things that make me happy instead of working hard to make time for them? Why shouldn’t I follow my passion now that I’ve finally discovered it, after 20 years of hunting for it.

I love New York. But it’s time for me to move on.