[Draft Series] Lost and…

Original draft: September 23, 2015

Note from LB: This draft was one of the hardest to post, and I almost didn’t – hence thinking it would be a good way to round out the draft series this month. I’ve actually been working on this since writing this entry, where it’s first referenced, but I don’t think I can finish it any more than this – it’s not an entry I’ve enjoyed writing, which is why I won’t finish it, but it’s something I’m glad I started drafting, at least.

I’m starting to feel that I’m losing my best friend, or maybe I’m just realizing now that we’re already lost.

That’s dramatic, right? Nothing has happened to make me think this; there wasn’t a catalyst to this small epiphany. But after pushing the thought out of my head for weeks, it just won’t go away. It may even be months by now, trying to pretend everything is the same and normal and good, but at some point recently there was a shift. Pretending everything is normal and good doesn’t work when normal has shifted so dramatically in the past year. Maybe that’s where the shift has happened: I’ve been hoping that our normal stayed the same.

Trying to be angry at this situation is useless. So is trying to be sad, I suppose. (keep this? Delete?)

Rereading, this could be about anyone. Because we’re all going through these huge, earth-shaking, life-changing events, because none of us are the same anymore. I’ve watched friendships with everyone evolve to adjust to new partners and new apartments and new cities and new jobs. Everything has evolved, and if I’m trying to reminisce about the best friends I had this time last year, I’d be talking about different people. Not in reality, but just in who we are, and how we’ve all evolved. So maybe this thought, that I’m losing or I’ve lost my best friend, is just a cold sweat of nostalgia, worming its way into my brain because November is almost here and somehow I have a feeling this one will be harder than the first one.

[build out – vodka/lost keys joke?] Then again, perhaps I’m not supposed to know what this all means yet. But I do know, at least, that I’m starting to feel like I’m losing my best friend. Or maybe, especially after talking it out here, I’m just accepting that the We I’m missing like crazy, or the We I thought we would be even with all these changes, is already lost.

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