On Fridays
Coworker: So what are you up to tonight?
Me: Drinking alone in sweatpants.
Coworker: Weren’t you supposed to have a date?
Me: Eh, my sweatpants need me and the wine won’t drink itself.

On NYC Halloween
N: Guys, I have an idea. Let’s get off at 14th, get on the L train and play “Hipster or Halloween”

On post-Black Friday needs
Me: I’m freezing. I’m making hot apple cider when we get home.
Mama B: With honey bourbon?
Me: I hadn’t even thought of that!
Mama B: I raised you better than to forget the bourbon.

On Ikea Adventures (Pt. 1)
N: GUYS. There is no cell service in Ikea. That means every man in here right now is going nuts.

On paying attention
M’s sister: Isn’t that the new Moses movie? What’s that called?
Me: Exodus.
M’s sister: What’s that about again?
Me: Moses.
M: …. are you listening to each other?

On pain
Other tattoo artist: (Looks at tattoo 3 hours in). Looks good! Wait. Is this all from today?
Me: (grimace) Yup.
OTA: DAMN, seriously?
Me: I’M AWARE THANKS.

On Ikea Adventures (Pt. II):
N: Do you think we should pretend to work here?

On Taylor Swift and standard parental requests:

On Ikea Adventures (Pt. III)
M: How have we still not found the car. This is absurd.
N: I bet it’s all part of their marketing strategy. First they make you pay attention in the store, then they never let you leave.