On twins 
Me: So it looks like T will be in town this weekend, you might finally get to meet her!
H the Scot: Sounds great, can finally complete the set!

On generosity
Mama B: I’ll leave you cash for the movie and shopping while we’re gone tomorrow.
Me: You don’t have to do that!!
Mama B: I want to!! Plus I have a shitload of cash. Don’t ask where it came from.

On creeping
Friend: It’s cute! He’s just checking up on you.
Me: I’d prefer he’d just ask me how I’m doing himself! Next time it happens I’m putting up an entry that says “I see you” and nothing else.

On comebacks (in reference to AHS: Freak Show)

On road trips
M: Okay, we’re barely an hour in and we have four more to go. I’m pacing myself on this Chipotle.
Me: Oooh. Yeah. Good point. Except I just inhaled most of mine.
C: … Me too.

On semantics
M: We’re in your state, what’s a good radio station?
Me: Oh! There’s this alternative rock station that’s pretty good
C: “Connecticut alternative rock” feels like an oxymoron

On post-vaca first dates
Neighbors: Yo Snow White, where you been all night? It’s late for you and you ain’t in sweats.
Me: Guys, I wear more than just gym clothes.
Neighbs: Not lately.

On breaking news