On rules of a first date:
[Watching Don’t Be Tardy at my lovely friend M’s place]
TV: “There’s a list of the Don’t Dos on a first date: we don’t say fuck, we don’t bite people and we don’t do shots!”
Me: I sincerely hope you don’t have to say that to me someday.
M: Me too.

On loopholes
Mama B: So is that the fourth tattoo I see?
Me: Yup!
Mama: UGH. But that’s the last one, right? YOU PROMISED YOU’D ONLY GET ONE MORE.
Me: Right, but I already had this one when I made that promise.

On booze rules
Mama B: You’re absolutely covering the tattoos for your sister’s wedding.
Me: That’s incorrect.
Mama B: YOU PROMISED ME.
Me: I never made any promise like that!
Mama B: You may have been drunk when you said it, but I remember, so it counts.

On compliments
Coworker: Ooo, which one of you smells good?
Me: Oh, definitely not me.

On life updates
E: So give me an update on your life!
Me: Which part?
E: Uhh let’s start with how the boy is!
Me: …. which boy?

On birthday rights
Friend: You’re not wearing a bra, are you
Me: It’s my birthday.
Friend: Touché.

On snacks
Coworker: Is that a raw sweet potato on your desk?
Me: Yes.
Coworker: … Is that like a decoration or something?

On personal style:
M: Ugh. I feel like I look like a dirty hippie right now.
Me: Well since that’s kind of my aesthetic, I think you look great.

On sick days (and how I should have been a teacher)